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your ex : “So glad I found your TXB
program… I started with “I’m thinking about…” and he
totally took the bait.
Thank you so much for your great program!”
The author walks you through every thing you
need to know about making your first porn movie, and then getting the film
sold. ..This book is helping me realize my dream.
The other night my girlfriend and I were pretty drunk, and we had
sex. Then she started moaning somebody else’s name. The crazy thing is, the
name she was moaning was “Jessica.” I don’t know who Jessica is, and when
I asked my girlfriend about it in the morning, she just laughed it off as a
drunk mistake. Should I be upset about this, or is this actually pretty awesome?
Chris: Mike, I think some more research is necessary, but
based on the early information this is probably pretty awesome. Find out who
Jessica is. Is she a friend of your girlfriend’s you haven’t met — perhaps
a friend who introduced your girlfriend to forbidden erotic pleasures most men
only dream of experiencing — or (you should be so lucky) is she Jessica
Simpson? Assuming Jessica is female, it’s likely that your girlfriend is
harboring some homosexual urges, and as modern American society tells us,
girl-on-girl action is hot. I strongly suggest finding this Jessica, buying a
bottle — or three — of wine and seeing if you can coax the inner Jessica out
of your girlfriend and onto the outer Jessica. Be sure to let me know what
happens in vivid detail, with photos and/or hot dvd's video.
Niloofar: Hearing someone else’s name, whether your
partner is drunk or just drunk off your lovin’, is always a bit of a blow to
the ego. But the name was Jessica, and from what I’ve studied of male sexual
fantasies, your ego is probably far from blown, and your penis is excited by the
possibilities. You are in quite the enviable position, at least from your male
friends’ perspectives. Tell your girlfriend you’re glad this happened, and
you’d be more than happy to meet her needs by engaging in a threesome with
Jessica. If the Jessica is Jessica Simpson, even better. If you manage to get
video and/or photos, forget sending them to Chris and send them to the tabloids
so you can not only be the hot shit who had a threesome with Jessica Simpson,
you’ll be the filthy rich hot shit who had the threesome with Jessica Simpson.
And when you’re rich hot shit… well, you can’t even imagine the sexual
possiblities.
My girlfriend won’t stop watching Sex
and the City, and I think it’s destroying our relationship. She keeps
referring to herself as a “Carrie,” and her best friend calls herself “Samantha.”
She quotes the show all the time and thinks that it’s supposed to give
valuable life advice. She even makes me watch it. Is there a way to convince
her that the show sucks, or if not, can I save our relationship?
— Jason, junior
Niloofar: Dude, what is your problem? Sex and the City is
a source of valuable life advice and the best show ever created. Your
girlfriend must be pretty awesome if she’s a Carrie. I’m a Carrie myself,
for a myriad of reasons, including the fact that I write this sex column.
Allow me to quote the show when I say “The most important relationship of
all is the one you have with yourself. If you can find someone to love the
you you love, well, that’s just fabulous.” You obviously don’t love
your girlfriend for who she is, which is someone smart, witty and with an
appreciation for great television. If I were her, I would dump your ass and
spend my newfound free time in more productive and fulfilling ways,
specifically with the Sex and the City boxed DVD set. But if I’ve helped
you see that you’re the problem and not her, then I’d recommend
purchasing the “I’m a Carrie” T-shirt for her off the HBO Web site,
followed by showing enthusiasm for (and following through on) an all-night
marathon. Top it off by telling her you’re her Mr. Big and I, as a
relationship counselor, am sure I will never hear from you again.
Chris: Your relationship was dead the moment she uttered the
words “I’m like Carrie.” The best you can do now is run, run away. Sex and
the City is a cult; it’s like Scientology, except it’s less helpful and its
members are more annoying. The worst are the “Carries” — their role model
is a self-absorbed, shoe-obsessed socialite who sucks at writing and sucks worse
at living. In every episode she craps out platitudes as deep as a kiddie pool,
and you can always tell the women who “dive in” to these
pseudo-philosophical rants because they resemble head trauma victims. The woman
you loved is long gone, replaced by a materialistic harpy who has invented a
cute little nickname for you based on some extremely superficial or unfunny
characteristic that makes her and her friends feel simultaneously clever and
powerful while avoiding the glaring, omnipresent truth that without the men in
their lives they’d be as miserable as the characters in the show, directly
contradicting their invented personas as independent, intelligent, courageous
modern women and leaving them teetering on the edge of crushing depression and
complete psychological breakdown…. But honestly, I don’t really care about
that show one way or the other. Good luck with whatever.
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