kim
with hip hop star Ray J, baby I am coming ...
Bulletin!! Kim
Kardashian will be invited to join Mensa before Paris Hilton. She's figured
out it's cheaper to put $.25 in a meter than paying a $40 fine -- a concept that
utterly escapes our favorite ex-con. (found at tmz.com
)
AJ Daulerio's Cultural Oddsmaker has just two columns left. This is one
of them. (found at deadspin.com
jan4, 2008)
Hola, putas. It's once again time for the A.J. Daulerio Deadspin Unraveling
with your late Friday afternoon dash of tawdry goodness. As you can tell by the
above photo, today we'll be discussing Kim Kardashian and her almost engagement
to Subway pitchman and Sheldon Brown tackling dummy, Reggie Bush.
But first, a favorite email from the Oddsmaker experience. This one's from a
proud mongoloid mother named Judie from Walnut Grove, California eager to preach
the gospel about the fat-tongued heroes we all know and love :
I don't know what to make of your column. I've never read such an
unflattering portrayal of people who have Trisomy 21/Down syndrome (not
"Down syndrome people") but there's something honest about you. Maybe
I saw something of myself in your reluctance to be exposed to children who have
Down syndrome (not "Down syndrome children"). Until I had one of my
own, that is. Now, 28 years later, I have accepted the fact that the gene for
nose-picking must be on the 21st chromosome and I wish that's the worst I'd ever
endured with my other so-called "normal" children.
Aw. It's getting dusty in here!
Onto sex tapes. It's still mind-boggling why anyone (especially a woman,
semi-famous or not) would ever participate in such an activity if they had no
desire for it to some day be viewed by a captive, unzipped audience. For those
devoid of any discernible talent, it's an instant career injection. The second
biggest? Dating an athlete. The third? Having a backside that could serve as a
winter home for woodland creatures. The Kardashian deftly hits the trifecta. If
she were to become engaged to Reggie Bush, it would at least give her some
meaningful existence. It's much better than only being known as the dead O.J.
lawyer's daughter who was backdoor-invaded by a lamprey-shlonged rap star on
film.
Surely, there are more Kardashians out there searching for their own Reggie
Bush.
So this week, I'm flicking my frenulum, opening a fresh bottle of Hawaiian
Tropic, and placing odds on the next sex tape star to nab a professional
athlete.
Move your monitors to an obstructed angle before you click this more.
Amy Fisher: 3/1
The lovely Long Island Lolita famous for banging a gorilla mechanic and
getting imprisoned after blasting his angry wife in the head is out of prison
and ready to cash-in post-clink with her own movie magic, creatively titled
"Amy Fisher Uncensored." Now that she's pushing 34, you would have
thought Ms. Fisher would be completely beat up, but photos reveal she's actually
weathered prison time and the cruel realities of female aging fairly well. No,
she's probably not going to get engaged to Reggie Bush, but just because she's
lost a little tread on her vulva doesn't mean she still couldn't snag herself
some old jock balls. Perhaps Julio Franco?
Jenna Lewis: 2/1
This former Survivor star allegedly leaked her own sex tape in an effort to
rewind her 15-minute clock just a little while. It worked, but now that's
expired she's aching to get back in public consciousness. She was rumored to
have had a thing with fellow Survivor alum and curly-haired soccer knob Ethan
Zohn, but she'll have to upgrade there if she's serious about a bounce-back.
Unfortunately, soccer stars not named Beckham in America are few and far
between. Alexi Lalas should keep his cell phone on all the time just in case.
David Hirshey should too.
Carolyn Murphy:
The former SI swimsuit model made headlines a couple years ago when a sultry
honeymoon tape of her and her ex-husband began circulating
around the web only to be quickly shut down by her lawyers before she could
be come a jizz-faced screen-grab icon. Pity. Murphy, now into her 30s and with
child-expanded hips, needs something else to save her falling star. She's model
pretty, so a young quarterback looking to become the next Tom Brady may want to
give her a toss. Tarvaris Jackson needs a trough for his black hog and
legitimacy as a number one quarterback, lest he become the next Quincy Carter.
This could be mutually beneficial
Deliberate
Orgasm Duet