safe sex
Safe Sex talk for parents
The how, when and why of talking to kids about sex.
Start early, talk about your own relationship and show children that there's
more to sex than just reproduction is the advice from sexologist Vivienne Cass.
The most often asked question is 'When do we start to talk to our child about
sex?' says Vivienne. They answer, she says, is simple. "Any time."
Talk about sex at any age but change the way we talk depending on the age of the
child.
Thursday, 12 October 2006 by Genine Unsworth
found at http://www.abc.net.au
With young children, it's about bodies and body parts. The young ones will
often talk about loving, says Vivienne. They may see Mum and Dad cuddling and
will make some comment which says that they are getting a bit funny about it
because they picking up a sexual message in there.
That's the when and as for the how, Vivienne's advice is to use the informal
approach. Kids prefer the opportunity strategy to 'Let's sit down and talk about
sex', she says. Pick a time when the conversation can lead in naturally, in the
car, listening to radio, in the kitchen, out walking. For one thing, this gives
kids somewhere else to look. If you sit them down, "kids will get a bit
embarrassed." Not to mention the parents.
A lot of kids are having sex under the age of 16
The only time that parents might need to sit a child down for discussion is
if there is behaviour that isn't appropriate, says Vivienne, such as sexual
touching of other children or looking at sexual pictures. This happens quite
often with younger children, says Vivienne.
How difficult is it for children who think they may be gay or lesbian to bring
up the subject? "Parents are often the last to know," says Vivienne.
Although fortunately, she is seeing that parents are more accepting now. In
fact, she says, parents have come her for help because their child is having
trouble accepting their homosexuality. "Which is a nice turnaround."
"These days, kids are much more relaxed about being gay or lesbian or
bisexual or experimenting. They will often tell their friends." In Perth,
notes Vivienne, there is a gays and lesbians youth club and so it's quite likely
that young people may be mixing in those circles before they tell their parents.
Kids are experimenting with same sex, Vivienne notes. However, a lot of kids who
are having same sex experiences do so because they are attracted to that person.
"They may see it as expressing themselves."
On the issue of how much sex is healthy and the notion of promiscuity, Vivienne
is thoughtful. "We sexologists have a bit of a problem with that sort of
word, because I don't know what is too much sex," she says.
While she is reluctant to say how much is too much, Vivienne certainly knows
that it's a popular pastime. "A lot of kids are having sex under the age of
16. And that is the underlying issue and concern of parents who are wanting to
talk to their children."
safe sex
Parents need to take a responsible attitude, believes Vivienne. Taking the
'head-in-the-sand' approach or an authoritarian stance is not going to work, she
says. Parents may prefer that their children wait. But says Vivienne,
"parents need to make sure that (children) have a good understanding of
safe sex and also an understanding of what sex is about."
You can't just say to children that you can't do it
Kids do have sex education, she says, but that doesn't include discussion
about sexual passion, orgasm or the pleasure of sex in a relationship and
intimacy. There may be information on about bodies and sexually transmitted
diseases, but not "how to combine sex and love." Parents need to tell
themselves that if their child is going to engage in sex, they want them to know
about sexuality, not just the reproductive side.
"The ideal thing would be if parents can talk about their own relationship
in a positive way." There's no need to go into details, says Vivienne.
Rather, for example, it's about mentioning how lovely it is to have sex with
someone you feel close to.
If parents have paved the way and can talk to the kids without embarrassment,
it's easier to get across those messages, says Vivienne. It's also easier to
encourage them to ignore peer pressure and to say no if they want to, she adds.
If we are authoritarian and expect that children will say no because we say so,
"we know we will fail", says Vivienne. Societies in the US, such as
the Silver Ring, encourage young people to join and promise that they will not
have sex until marriage, she says. "What we know is that the rates of
sexually transmitted diseases and of teenage pregnancy are higher in these
groups than they are in other groups. That's the scary thing."
Young people take a different view of authority today, says Vivienne. "You
can't just say to children that you can't do it, you have to tell them
why." If you can explain to young people why waiting to have sex until they
are more mature is a good idea, they're more likely to remember that message,
she says.
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